Are You Engaging in Anxious Behaviors While Online Dating?
Disclaimer: This post is for informational and reflective purposes only. It is not intended to diagnose, treat, or replace advice from a licensed mental health professional. If you’re struggling with attachment issues or relationship challenges, consider reaching out to a therapist or counselor for personalized support.
Online dating can be a minefield of emotions, especially if you have an anxious attachment style. Sometimes, these behaviors show up in subtle ways — from the photos you choose to how you respond to a text.
Here’s a quick guide to help you spot whether you’re engaging in anxious behaviors across five key aspects of online dating, as well as how to course-correct for healthier connections.
1. Building Your Profile
How you present yourself in your profile often reflects your attachment style. Are you:
Writing overly detailed bios in an attempt to “prove” you’re lovable or interesting?
Choosing photos that feel performative, like showing off achievements or curating an image you think others will find impressive?
Feeling panicked about whether your profile will stand out enough to get matches?
Try this instead: Focus on authenticity. Share a mix of photos that reflect your real life and write a bio that highlights what you enjoy, rather than what you think others want to see.
2. Choosing Photos
Your photos are a visual introduction, but they can also hint at attachment patterns. Are you:
Using overly polished or staged photos to seem “perfect”?
Including photos that emphasize your need for validation, like ones with ex-partners cropped out or excessive selfies?
Worrying excessively about whether your photos will “get enough” likes?
Try this instead: Use a variety of photos that feel natural, showing different sides of your personality (e.g., hobbies, outings with friends, relaxed moments at home).
3. Choosing Matches
How you swipe or choose who to connect with can reveal patterns in your attachment style. Are you:
Swiping right on almost everyone, hoping someone will “choose” you back?
Overanalyzing profiles to see if they meet all your criteria before matching?
Feeling a surge of anxiety if you don’t get immediate matches or responses?
Try this instead: Be intentional when swiping. Look for profiles that resonate with your values and interests, rather than trying to optimize for the most or hottest matches.
4. Texting
Your messaging habits can reflect how you approach connection and intimacy. Are you:
Sending rapid-fire messages or double-texting if they don’t respond quickly?
Overthinking every message and wondering, “Did I say the right thing? Are they losing interest?”?
Feeling rejected or panicked if they don’t reply within your preferred timeframe?
Try this instead: Pause before sending another message and remind yourself that slow replies don’t always mean disinterest. Focus on pacing the conversation naturally.
5. Transitioning to Video Calls or In-Person Dates
How you approach moving offline is a key indicator of your attachment tendencies. Are you:
Feeling intense pressure to “win” their approval during a video call or date?
Over-preparing to make sure you come across as perfect?
Rushing to meet in person too soon to ease your anxiety about the connection?
Try this instead: Treat the call or date as an opportunity to explore compatibility, not prove yourself. Set a relaxed tone and take things at a natural pace.
The Bottom Line
Recognizing your patterns is the first step to healthier dating, especially online. The goal isn’t to eliminate all your anxious tendencies, but to find balance. With mindfulness and intentionality, you can move toward secure connections that feel fulfilling and mutual.
My Challenge to You
The next time you log into your dating app, check in with yourself: Are your actions driven by fear or by a genuine desire to connect? The answer can guide you toward making choices that align with the relationship you truly deserve.
Book Recommendations
If you’re interested in learning more about attachment styles and healthier relationship dynamics, here are a few recommendations to get you started:
"Attached" by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller — A practical guide to understanding your attachment style and how it influences your relationships.
“How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk” by John Van Epp — This book helps you recognize unhealthy patterns in relationships and teaches a clear framework for evaluating potential partners and building lasting, healthy connections.
Tried these tips? Share your results with me at info@claritycoachsandy.com — I’d love to hear how it went!
